standard 10 New Spam Definitions

Expanding The Spam Theory

By: VizFact

Every once in a while I believe it’s good to delve into the smaller, more interesting aspects of life which affords us the opportunity to view reality’s most common moments from the chariot of a new wisdom.

By now, you may be thinking WTF?

I am referring to spam. Yeah, you may think its funny, but I can handle it. No love lost. In the grand scheme of things you will find that I’m right. There are lots of concepts and ideas whose common denominators are not properly categorized. Namely spam, not only the traditional spam understanding, but spam in all forms. I bring forth to you my list of ten things that should be considered spam which aren’t under attack by the law.

Before we get to that list I would like to demonstrate the “so called” official definition of spam according to


[spam] Show IPA noun, verb, spammed, spam·ming.

1. Trademark . a canned food product consisting especially of pork formed into a solid block.

2. ( lowercase ) disruptive messages, especially commercial messages posted on a computer network or sent as e-mail.
That’s right, only two definitions. You have got to be joking. Is that it? Even if I stand alone, I have to contest this nonsense. This is intellectual impotence whose only value is academic disgust.
As one man on a mission, I have set out to expand on the concept and definition of spam, what spam is exactly, and what it can be or has become. Without any further delay, the new and improved definition of spam is as follows;


  1. An act of war.
  2. Extreme link sharing on social networks.
  3. Tweeting about anything, at anytime.
  4. Sending friends requests to people you don’t know.
  5. Television commercials.
  6. Ads on any website in any form.
  7. Unnecessary talking for extreme lengths.
  8. Repeating yourself.
  9. Politicians.
  10. Canned mystery meat cake.
  11. People who beg for money and donations.
  12. Ron Paul’s YouTube Channel. (Some days the new video notifications just don’t stop.)
  13. Hungry pets.
  14. Flies & Pests.
  15. Show boating, showing your ass.
  16. Telemarketers.
  17. Census takers.
  18. Military recruiters.
  19. Those little sales papers that come in the mail.
  20. Unwanted text messages.
  21. The extra little promotional slip that finds its way into utility bills.
  22. All pieces of mail that aren’t bills.
  23. Bills.
  24. People who upload more than 5 videos to YouTube at any time.
  25. Salesmen.
  26. Girl Scouts.
  27. Those bike riding white shirted boys with the bibles.
  28. Jehovah’s Witnesses.
  29. Google Properties – G+, Blogger, YouTube, Google, Google Analytics, Google Earth, Google Maps, Google TV, Google Adsense all of it, spamming the web with multiple properties is network spam!
  30. All Facebook updates that are meant to be seen by people the original person who is posting the worthless content doesn’t know personally.
  31. United States military force.
  32. Overwhelming firepower in any electronic game, video game, real live fire battle, or military engagement.
  33. Women talking, simply to be heard.
  34. Those little boxes that pop up on websites or the ones that dim the background and feature a spam box fading in, begging me to subscribe.
  35. Overwhelming onslaughts of illegal immigration.
  36. People who are the 6th child and beyond. Yes, you are spam. Sex spam.
  37. Prepackaged non-essential programs on new computers.
  38. People who have Macs and feel compelled to try to sell the love of them to PC owners.

Some of us may subscribe to the idea that too much of anything can be considered spam and I disagree. Small amounts of bullshit can also be considered spam.

Whether or not spam is good or bad is a scary question that I am not qualified to tackle but I will be watching.

Keep the faith, buy firearms and stay protected. If anyone has any worthy additions to the definition of spam by all means, comment below or forever hold your peace.

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  • Payitforward74

    LOL!  I love #36 and I can’t wait to tell a few people they’re sex spam.  However, I think you got distracted and forgot to finish #33.  I know plenty of MEN who have diarrhea of the mouth and will say/do anything for attention. 

    Also, I disagree with you on the salesmen thing to a degree.  We’ve talked about this before regarding car salesmen.  A car salesmen doesn’t count as spam, because obviously if you’re on a car lot, you’re seeking them out.  They aren’t following you to the mall or randomly showing up at your door trying to get you to buy a car that you don’t want or need  LOL

    • Yeah but if you don’t buy the car that day, or decide that you disagree with their sales offer or “approval”, they qualify as and become spammers.